


Some I Would Take Back

by GotTheSilver



Series: Supernatural Codas [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Episode: s12e03 The Foundry, Family Issues, Gen, M/M, Season/Series 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-28 02:35:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8427919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GotTheSilver/pseuds/GotTheSilver
Summary: post 12.03.*
  “I’ll come home,” Castiel says, already trying to work out a route back to Lebanon.  “Dean, if you—”

  “No,” comes the instant response and Castiel didn’t realise how much that would sting, hearing that Dean didn’t want him there, didn’t want him to come and help.  On the other end, Dean swears.  “Cas, I didn’t mean—I don’t want you to see me like this.  I want you, but I’m a fucking mess, and I—”

  “Dean, I don’t care what you’re like.”

  “Well, I do,” Dean says, sounding slightly more sober than he did when Castiel answered the phone.  “And you have work to do.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> I could've written another depressing Dean angst-fest, but I went with this instead. First time attempting a Castiel POV, so hopefully it works.
> 
> Dean/Cas mostly implied, but it was definitely in mind while I wrote it.
> 
> [on tumblr](http://motleywolf.tumblr.com/post/152536796252/1203-spn-coda-some-i-would-take-back)

The first sign that something has gone wrong with the Winchester’s attempt at a happy home life comes at 3am. Castiel is driving away from Ohio having left Crowley and Rowena to their own less than pleasant reunion, and so when his phone rings, he pulls over to answer. Seeing Dean’s name, along with a photo of him half smiling, on the screen isn’t necessarily a surprise, but Castiel can’t stop the worry that flits through his mind as he answers.

“Oh,” comes Dean’s voice down the line. “Didn’t expect you to—thought you’d left, like—”

“Dean, what’s going on?” Castiel interrupts, recognising the slurring of a wasted Winchester even down a phone. “Where are you?”

Dean snorts. “Home. Alone. Hey, that’s a movie, we should watch it when you—you are coming back, right?”

That throws Castiel somewhat, while he’s not new to Dean’s self esteem issues, he’s never thought Dean would think that Cas would abandon him. Surely he knew that this time was because of Lucifer, that it’s Castiel’s responsibility to track him down and get him locked up again, but—.

“You still there?” Dean asks, interrupting Castiel’s thoughts. “You haven’t—Cas?”

“I’m still here, Dean.”

“Oh, okay, thanks. Sorry for—”

“I will be coming home, Dean, that is—I’ll be coming back to the bunker if you—”

“It’s home, Cas, it’s your home, don’t—” A heavy sigh comes down the line and Cas can hear Dean shifting on the bed. “Plenty of room now, anyway.”

“What happened?”

“Doesn’t matter.” There’s a clattering of a bottle in the background, the sound of Dean drinking. “Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“You know I’m not mad at you, right? F’going and finding Lucifer? I get it, you think you gotta clean up this, but I’m not mad.”

“I know.”

“Okay. You—you can come back whenever you want, if you’ve gotta go and do this, then okay, but you’re gonna come back, right? I don’t—I want you to come back.”

Castiel pauses, staring out of the windshield at the lone car passing him by. “Dean, are you going to tell me what happened?”

“I’m not her kid,” Dean says, the bitterness coming through. “She doesn’t want me.”

“Mary? She—”

“Should’ve expected it, right? Not ever enough for anyone, I’m—I’m a mess, Cas. Fuck, I don’t even know why you stick around.”

“I’ll come home,” Castiel says, already trying to work out a route back to Lebanon. “Dean, if you—”

“No,” comes the instant response and Castiel didn’t realise how much that would sting, hearing that Dean didn’t want him there, didn’t want him to come and help. On the other end, Dean swears. “Cas, I didn’t mean—I don’t want you to see me like this. I want you, but I’m a fucking mess, and I—”

“Dean, I don’t care what you’re like.”

“Well, I do,” Dean says, sounding slightly more sober than he did when Castiel answered the phone. “And you have work to do.”

Cas sighs, looking out at the moon high in the sky, this far from the city he can see the stars laid out like a blanket over earth. “I _will_ come home,” he says. “I promise.”

There’s silence from Dean, and Castiel starts to wonder if he’s said something wrong, but then there’s a quiet laugh. “I believe you,” Dean says, a softness in his voice. “I—I want to believe you.”

“Then do,” Cas says simply. “Goodbye, Dean.”

“Bye, Cas.”

*

Despite Dean’s words, Castiel can’t stop himself from driving back in the direction of the bunker, thinking that perhaps by the time he gets there, Dean will have changed his mind. There’s reports of strange activity near Greenfield, Indiana, and although Castiel can’t be sure that it’s anything to do with Lucifer, he heads there anyway. As he checks into the Super 8, taking the keycard from the worryingly cheerful woman on the desk, he catches a glimpse of a woman with short blonde hair by the fireplace and it takes until she turns around for him to realise it’s Mary Winchester.

“Castiel?”

“Mary,” he says, walking towards her. There’s an anxious air around her, and Castiel does his best to appear unthreatening. “Why are you here?”

“Dean didn’t tell you?” Mary ducks her head, glancing at her shoes. “I thought he would’ve called you—”

“He did call, he said you left.”

Mary looks up, fixing her gaze on Castiel. “Did he say anything else?”

“I’m not sure that it’s fair to Dean, or you, for me to discuss what he said.”

“He’s angry.”

Castiel pauses, not entirely sure how to approach this. In many ways, he’d be more comfortable walking out of the motel, getting in his car, and driving until he’s left this conversation behind, but he feels like he owes something to Mary. “You’ve missed a lot,” he says, finally. “Dean has his reasons for the way he is.” There’s a couch to the side of the fireplace in the lobby and Castiel gestures to it, pleased when Mary follows him.

Sighing as she sits down, Mary rests her elbows on her knees. “I realise I missed, God, everything. It’s part of why I left, they’re not—I know, intellectually, that they’re my boys, I do, but they’re also not. When I died, Dean was happiest in front of Sesame Street crashing his toy cars together, and Sammy, he wasn’t even on solid food. Now, they’re men, hunters even, and I can’t put that together with who they were.”

“This is why you left them?”

“I’m a terrible mother,” Mary says quietly. “I’ve been gone so long and then when they need me to be a mom, I run away.”

Castiel reaches out tentatively, unsure if his attempt at comfort will be welcomed, but when he rubs a palm against Mary’s back, she leans back against it. “I have seen many terrible mothers in my time on earth, and before that, you’re not amongst the worst.”

There’s a laugh from Mary, and she sounds so much like Dean in that moment that there’s an unfamiliar ache in Castiel’s chest. “Not amongst the worst,” Mary repeats. “Guess that’s all I can ask for.”

“I apologise,” Castiel says, moving his hand away. “I’m not always the best at comforting people.”

Mary looks at him, a slight smile on her face. “You do okay.”

“Thank you.”

“So,” she says. “Does he hate me?”

“I don’t think Dean could hate you if he tried,” Castiel says.

“But he doesn’t like me right now. Sam too, I bet.”

“Dean—” Castiel stops, twists his hands together in his lap. “He’s had a lot of loss. First with your death, then various people as he grew up, Sam going to college, his father dying. Dean doesn’t believe he’s worthy of people staying with him, so when they do leave, he blames himself for not being what they want.”

“And I just reinforced everything he thinks,” Mary says slowly, almost to herself. “He’s never going to speak to me again and I—I wouldn’t blame him.”

“He will,” Castiel says. “Dean has an incredible capacity for forgiveness. He’s forgiven me for things no one else would have.”

“Including leaving him when he needed you?”

“Yes, actually.”

Mary looks at him, her eyes narrowed. “Dean never told me how you came to be in his life.”

“I rescued him from Hell.”

“You mean that literally, don’t you?”

“Mary, there’s a lot about Dean that I can’t tell you,” Castiel says. “I don’t know that he will, but if you want to know your sons, you have to be the one to talk to them.”

“I don’t know how,” Mary says, a note of frustration in her voice. “They’re my family and I have no idea how to connect to them.”

“I think Dean and Sam feel much the same way about you,” Castiel says gently. “Mary, if you want to go back, they would take you in.”

“I want to, they’re my blood, but I—I can’t yet.”

Castiel looks around the lobby of the motel. “You know, they grew up in places like this. Sometimes ones that were a lot less palatial. It shaped them into who they are. There are worse places, I assume, to try and find who you are.”

Mary covers Castiel’s hands with her own. “Thank you,” she says. “If you—tell Dean I’m okay. That I’ll come back eventually.”

“You could tell him yourself.”

“I don’t want to make him feel worse,” Mary says, letting go of Castiel’s hands and standing up. “You won’t do that.” There’s a lightness to her that wasn’t there when they started talking. “I’m sorry, I drove all night and need to sleep. Goodnight, Castiel.”

“Goodnight, Mary.”

Castiel watches her go, another Winchester walking the floor of a motel off a highway, and he takes his phone out of his pocket. Tapping the screen, he brings up the messaging service and quickly writes to Dean.

_Sent 08.23: Mary’s in Greenfield. She’ll be back one day. I’ll be back sooner. If you need anything, please call me._

Castiel isn’t expecting a message back, would rather Dean be asleep, because if he’s awake, it’s likely he’s still drinking. Still, once he’s in his room, his phone lights up.

_Received 08.31: Thanks, Cas. Come home whenever you want._  
_Received 08.32: Miss you._

_Sent 08.32: Soon. I miss you as well. Get some sleep, Dean._

There’s no response, and Cas hopes that means Dean is taking his advice and going to sleep. If he thinks about it, he can see Dean on the bed, curled into a ball under the blankets. If Castiel were still there, he would make sure Dean had a dreamless sleep, that he would be rested to take on all of the chaos that gets thrown into his life, but all Castiel can do from here is send a silent prayer that all the Winchesters find their peace. He hopes it will be enough.


End file.
